1
00:00:03,002 --> 00:00:05,369
[♪]
2
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,943
["it's beginning to look
a lot like christmas" playing]
3
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♪ it's beginning to look
a lot like christmas ♪
4
00:01:21,481 --> 00:01:24,649
♪ everywhere you go ♪
5
00:01:24,650 --> 00:01:26,684
♪ take a look
in the five-and-ten ♪
6
00:01:26,685 --> 00:01:28,353
♪ glistening once again ♪
7
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:30,955
♪ with candy canes
and silver lanes aglow ♪
8
00:01:30,956 --> 00:01:33,558
♪ it's beginning to look
a lot like christmas... ♪
9
00:01:33,559 --> 00:01:35,626
[car approaches]
10
00:01:35,627 --> 00:01:37,495
[car door slams]
11
00:01:37,496 --> 00:01:38,930
Al:
No!
12
00:01:40,699 --> 00:01:42,667
Daddy's home.
13
00:01:42,668 --> 00:01:44,302
[groans]
[groans]
14
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,974
I hate christmas.
15
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The mall was full of nothing
but women and children.
16
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All you hear is,
"I want this. Get me this.
17
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I have to have this."
18
00:01:57,349 --> 00:01:58,916
Then there's the children.
19
00:02:02,054 --> 00:02:03,754
And they're all by my store,
20
00:02:03,755 --> 00:02:06,090
'cause they stuck
the mall santa right outside,
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Ringing his stupid bell.
22
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As if you need a bell
23
00:02:09,428 --> 00:02:13,931
To notice a 300-pound alcoholic
in a red suit.
24
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"ho, ho, ho," all day long.
25
00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:17,101
So, nice as can be,
26
00:02:17,102 --> 00:02:20,605
I go outside
and ask him to shut the hell up.
27
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He takes a swing at me.
28
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So I lay a hook
into his fat belly,
29
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And he goes down.
30
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Beard comes off,
all the kids start crying,
31
00:02:30,982 --> 00:02:32,517
And I'm the bad guy.
32
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:35,720
Aw, honey,
33
00:02:35,721 --> 00:02:38,222
I know what would
make you feel better,
34
00:02:38,223 --> 00:02:42,359
But I'll never leave you,
not in a million years.
35
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,929
So, al, what's
the family plan
36
00:02:44,930 --> 00:02:46,565
For christmas
this year?
37
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:48,867
Five bowls a-flushing?
38
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Four 'roids
a-throbbing?
39
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Three nose hairs waving?
40
00:02:55,241 --> 00:02:58,009
Two children starving?
41
00:02:58,010 --> 00:03:01,178
♪ one untouched wife ♪
42
00:03:07,553 --> 00:03:09,420
I guess this is what
they mean when they say,
43
00:03:09,421 --> 00:03:13,924
"chestnuts roasting
on an open fire."
eh, guys?
44
00:03:15,694 --> 00:03:17,095
Now, look, I know
last christmas,
45
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You didn't
get what you wanted.
46
00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:20,098
I saw your
sad little faces.
47
00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:21,499
How?
48
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,068
You weren't even home.
49
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:25,570
You shot pool
with your friends.
50
00:03:25,571 --> 00:03:29,574
Hey, your faces were
still sad the next day.
51
00:03:29,575 --> 00:03:31,943
But this year, it's
going to be different.
52
00:03:31,944 --> 00:03:34,779
Who here knows what
a christmas club is?
53
00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:38,149
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank
54
00:03:38,150 --> 00:03:41,686
To get 2 percent interest
instead of the normal 5?
55
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Uh, yeah.
56
00:03:46,425 --> 00:03:47,758
Anyway, I've got
57
00:03:47,759 --> 00:03:49,327
One of these
christmas club things,
58
00:03:49,328 --> 00:03:53,031
And was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
59
00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:54,298
So, in addition
60
00:03:54,299 --> 00:03:57,402
To our annual christmas
feast at denny's...
61
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:03,341
This year,
we're getting presents.
62
00:04:03,342 --> 00:04:05,577
Oh, I can't believe it!
Presents! Yes!
63
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:07,811
Al, this isn't
a joke, is it?
64
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,813
You know, like when
we were dating and you said:
65
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:13,385
"stick with me, babe,
I'm really going places"?
66
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,086
Gee, I remember
saying that.
67
00:04:15,087 --> 00:04:17,588
I just didn't think
I said it to you.
68
00:04:17,589 --> 00:04:18,690
Oh, anyway,
69
00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:20,591
Christmas is not
the time for regrets.
70
00:04:20,592 --> 00:04:23,027
That's what
anniversaries are for.
71
00:04:23,028 --> 00:04:24,462
Come on.
72
00:04:24,463 --> 00:04:27,164
Let's all have a little
christmas "whoa, bundy!"
73
00:04:27,165 --> 00:04:30,468
All:
Whoa... Bundy!
74
00:04:30,469 --> 00:04:32,203
[doorbell rings]
75
00:04:32,204 --> 00:04:35,273
That may be carolers.
They may want something.
Bud, hit the lights.
76
00:04:35,274 --> 00:04:36,941
Everybody down.
77
00:04:40,312 --> 00:04:42,079
It's mr. And mrs. Rhoades.
78
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:45,750
Should I fix us up a stink bomb?
79
00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:46,784
No, let them in.
80
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They may
have presents.
81
00:04:50,222 --> 00:04:53,158
Merry christmas!
Merry christmas!
82
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:57,828
Nothing.
Empty-handed.
83
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:04,669
Okay, who's got
my wedding ring?
84
00:05:06,705 --> 00:05:08,606
Thank you.
85
00:05:08,607 --> 00:05:11,376
Anyway, I just came over
to say merry christmas
86
00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:13,944
Since I won't be here because
of a previous commitment.
87
00:05:13,945 --> 00:05:16,481
Yes, he's
spending christmas
88
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:18,116
With mommy, you know.
89
00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:21,319
Bundys:
Aww.
90
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,222
Why can't you and mother
get along, marcie?
91
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:26,891
The woman hangs
her coat on me.
92
00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:32,630
What about your mother
and her little,
"oops! Sorry, stevie.
93
00:05:32,631 --> 00:05:36,501
I didn't know you
were in the shower."
94
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,339
Marcie, you want
some coffee?
95
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:42,273
Sure.
96
00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:43,508
Hey, I want some coffee.
97
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:44,675
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
98
00:05:44,676 --> 00:05:47,178
There's only enough for two.
99
00:05:47,179 --> 00:05:49,013
Kids, you want any?
100
00:05:52,651 --> 00:05:54,919
Why are wives so jealous
of the relationship
101
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,354
Between a man
and his mother?
102
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:57,889
Ah, they see someone
who cares for you,
103
00:05:57,890 --> 00:05:58,890
And it eats them up.
104
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,191
Yep.
105
00:06:00,192 --> 00:06:01,793
My mom even left
marcie instructions
106
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:03,161
On how to take care
of me.
107
00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:05,830
Still, one week
after we were married,
108
00:06:05,831 --> 00:06:09,233
Guess who was washing
his own hair?
109
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:11,136
[car horn honks]
110
00:06:11,137 --> 00:06:12,870
Oh, that must be
my taxi.
111
00:06:12,871 --> 00:06:15,440
Merry christmas, honey.
Come give me a kiss.
112
00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:17,074
Woman:
Come on, stevie!
113
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Coming, mother!
114
00:06:19,111 --> 00:06:21,913
The man's mother
came from cincinnati
115
00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:23,248
To pick him up?
116
00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:26,551
Boy, if weenie town
ever needs a mayor...
117
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,219
Peggy, what am I going to do?
118
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:29,787
We were supposed to go
to the party
119
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At my bank tomorrow.
120
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I can't go stag.
What will people think?
121
00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:35,927
Marcie, let me
give you some advice.
122
00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:42,199
Don't spend time thinking about
things you don't have:
123
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,035
A good relationship...
124
00:06:45,170 --> 00:06:46,571
Nice hair...
125
00:06:48,073 --> 00:06:50,575
A good disposition,
a woman's body...
126
00:06:53,145 --> 00:06:55,780
Think instead
about the things you do have,
127
00:06:55,781 --> 00:06:57,014
And when you do,
let me know,
128
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'cause I've drawn
a total blank.
129
00:06:58,417 --> 00:06:59,884
Merry christmas!
130
00:06:59,885 --> 00:07:01,920
Al!
131
00:07:03,255 --> 00:07:05,256
Christmas is no time
to make fun of someone
132
00:07:05,257 --> 00:07:08,193
Whose life is crumbling down
around them.
133
00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:09,494
Do you know how many people
134
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,529
With lives
a lot better than hers
135
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:14,031
Commit suicide
this time of year?
136
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:17,569
Now, you should
say something nice to her,
137
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:20,137
Even if you don't mean it.
138
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,243
You look very nice, marcie.
139
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:27,111
See?
140
00:07:27,112 --> 00:07:29,514
Now, I'll tell you
what you should do.
141
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,549
You should go
to that party without steve.
142
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,885
Get wild. Get crazy.
143
00:07:33,886 --> 00:07:35,820
Pretend you're single again.
144
00:07:35,821 --> 00:07:37,421
Dance on the table tops,
145
00:07:37,422 --> 00:07:38,689
Chase after men,
146
00:07:38,690 --> 00:07:40,758
Rub your red hair
up and down their chests
147
00:07:40,759 --> 00:07:42,827
Like a feather-duster,
148
00:07:42,828 --> 00:07:44,895
And then reach out and...
149
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:53,938
And say, "I'm married,"
and go home.
150
00:07:53,939 --> 00:07:55,940
Like I would.
151
00:07:55,941 --> 00:07:58,142
I guess you're right.
152
00:07:58,143 --> 00:08:00,678
I'll go to the party,
but I won't have any fun.
153
00:08:00,679 --> 00:08:03,046
This will be the worst
christmas I ever had.
154
00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:05,549
I'll wind up home alone,
sitting in the dark.
155
00:08:05,550 --> 00:08:07,017
That is...
156
00:08:07,018 --> 00:08:09,553
Unless some friends
invite me over.
157
00:08:14,259 --> 00:08:15,693
Poor marcie.
158
00:08:15,694 --> 00:08:18,129
I feel so bad for her.
159
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:21,232
So, al, we're really gonna
get presents?
160
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:22,900
Yes! You betcha!
161
00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:24,535
I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.
162
00:08:24,536 --> 00:08:27,204
This is going to be the greatest
bundy christmas ever.
163
00:08:27,205 --> 00:08:28,640
[al cackles]
164
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:30,508
Carolers:
♪ we wish you
a merry christmas ♪
165
00:08:30,509 --> 00:08:31,643
Hit the lights!
166
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,544
♪ we wish you
a merry christmas ♪
167
00:08:33,545 --> 00:08:35,413
♪ we wish you
a merry christmas ♪
168
00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:37,481
♪ and a happy
new year ♪
169
00:08:37,482 --> 00:08:40,151
Girl:
We know you're
in there!
170
00:08:47,092 --> 00:08:49,293
Peg:
♪ oh, al... ♪
171
00:08:57,636 --> 00:09:00,638
Come unwrap
your christmas present.
172
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,207
Where is it?
173
00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:07,178
It's me, you feeb.
174
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:09,547
Oh, peg, how do you expect me
to get excited
175
00:09:09,548 --> 00:09:11,248
When you just rewrap
the same old junk
176
00:09:11,249 --> 00:09:13,718
I didn't play with
the year before?
177
00:09:16,922 --> 00:09:18,723
Oh, come on, al.
178
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,657
Thrill me
as only you can.
179
00:09:20,658 --> 00:09:24,095
Show mommy the christmas
club bankbook.
180
00:09:25,630 --> 00:09:28,298
Okay, but just
this once.
181
00:09:34,906 --> 00:09:37,241
Again, al, again!
182
00:09:37,242 --> 00:09:38,508
It's never enough,
is it?
183
00:09:38,509 --> 00:09:41,979
Oh, you were fantastic!
Let's cuddle.
184
00:09:41,980 --> 00:09:43,513
Oh!
185
00:09:43,514 --> 00:09:46,283
I suppose a shower's
out of the question, huh?
186
00:09:46,284 --> 00:09:49,086
And I don't think
deodorant is tough enough
187
00:09:49,087 --> 00:09:50,587
To handle this baby.
188
00:09:50,588 --> 00:09:52,623
I'll get the bug spray.
189
00:10:06,571 --> 00:10:07,938
Dad...
190
00:10:07,939 --> 00:10:09,373
I couldn't sleep.
191
00:10:09,374 --> 00:10:12,476
I sense you're on the horns
of a dilemma.
192
00:10:12,477 --> 00:10:13,811
Now, to wit,
193
00:10:13,812 --> 00:10:16,947
You have $280.
194
00:10:16,948 --> 00:10:18,849
But how do you
split it up?
195
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:20,051
Well...
196
00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:22,153
Maybe I can help.
197
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:26,324
You see, I hate to tell you
this, dad, but, uh...
198
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:29,893
Kelly doesn't love you.
199
00:10:29,894 --> 00:10:32,797
Never has, never will.
200
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,900
But you do, don't you, son?
201
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,770
With all
my heart and soul.
202
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:41,605
But back to kelly.
203
00:10:41,606 --> 00:10:43,174
Now, how can we
punish her?
204
00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:46,177
How, how, how?
205
00:10:47,479 --> 00:10:48,713
I know.
206
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:52,050
I bet spending
all the money on me,
207
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:53,317
And nothing on her,
208
00:10:53,318 --> 00:10:55,753
Would fix
her little red wagon.
209
00:10:55,754 --> 00:10:57,621
So remember, dad.
210
00:10:57,622 --> 00:11:00,091
This year, when
you think christmas,
211
00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:02,626
Think "bud."
212
00:11:12,104 --> 00:11:13,537
[knock on door]
213
00:11:13,538 --> 00:11:14,838
Come in, kelly.
214
00:11:16,107 --> 00:11:18,109
Hi, daddy.
215
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:20,278
Um, I just wanted to tell you,
216
00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:22,780
I just got a call
from the doctor, and, um...
217
00:11:22,781 --> 00:11:23,915
I'm dying.
218
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:28,685
Yep, I've got "bulgaria."
219
00:11:32,624 --> 00:11:36,693
The doctor says
that it's "terminus."
220
00:11:38,062 --> 00:11:41,432
How much time do you have,
pumpkin?
221
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:44,535
Well, I've got
till christmas morning,
222
00:11:44,536 --> 00:11:47,605
And the only known cure
is a good present.
223
00:11:47,606 --> 00:11:51,309
You know, in the 250
to 275 price range?
224
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:55,113
Gee, then I wouldn't have
any money to get bud anything.
225
00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:56,279
I know...
226
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,849
But it's not like he
loves you or anything.
227
00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:00,350
I mean, when I think
of all the times
228
00:12:00,351 --> 00:12:01,986
That he wished
you dead--
229
00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:03,687
Oh, well, I just wanted
to tell you that,
230
00:12:03,688 --> 00:12:06,156
But whatever you decide
is okay with me.
231
00:12:06,157 --> 00:12:08,158
[coughs weakly]
232
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:12,129
I thought
I'd find you here.
233
00:12:12,130 --> 00:12:13,397
What are you doing?
234
00:12:13,398 --> 00:12:14,298
Loving daddy.
235
00:12:14,299 --> 00:12:15,633
What are you doing here?
236
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,801
Saying hi to the man
who gave me life
237
00:12:17,802 --> 00:12:19,303
And his name.
Make way!
238
00:12:19,304 --> 00:12:21,939
No! He's my daddy!
239
00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:23,908
What is going on here?
240
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:26,343
Kelly's trying to pretend
she loves daddy.
241
00:12:26,344 --> 00:12:29,247
Oh, yeah? Bud's trying to hog
all daddy's money for himself.
242
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,581
Oh, that's it.
243
00:12:30,582 --> 00:12:32,316
Both of you, out of here.
244
00:12:32,317 --> 00:12:35,852
Daddy is not stupid enough
to believe you really love him.
245
00:12:37,722 --> 00:12:39,457
Now, just stop your whining.
246
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:41,092
Go on. Get out.
247
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,027
Daddy's getting us all presents.
248
00:12:43,028 --> 00:12:44,694
Go on.
249
00:12:44,695 --> 00:12:45,729
Mwah.
250
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,370
You know, if I were you,
251
00:12:53,371 --> 00:12:57,441
I wouldn't get them
anything...
252
00:12:57,442 --> 00:13:00,110
'cause I'm the only one
who really loves you.
253
00:13:02,046 --> 00:13:04,081
Oh, and by the way, al.
254
00:13:04,082 --> 00:13:06,917
I just got a call
from the doctor.
255
00:13:06,918 --> 00:13:09,086
I may be dying.
256
00:13:11,222 --> 00:13:13,624
More toaster shakings,
kel?
257
00:13:14,926 --> 00:13:16,594
Please.
258
00:13:24,536 --> 00:13:25,536
Daddy gone?
259
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:28,005
Mom, it's noon.
260
00:13:28,006 --> 00:13:29,907
Only noon?
261
00:13:29,908 --> 00:13:33,243
God, I just couldn't sleep
from all the excitement.
262
00:13:41,052 --> 00:13:43,454
Oh, look. I can't even eat.
263
00:13:43,455 --> 00:13:44,789
I'm so excited.
264
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,356
We're getting
christmas presents,
265
00:13:46,357 --> 00:13:48,158
And on christmas!
266
00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:52,062
Well, mom, I hate to put
a damper on the festivities,
267
00:13:52,063 --> 00:13:53,764
But since dad's getting us
presents,
268
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,265
Shouldn't we get him something?
269
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:57,668
God,
270
00:13:57,669 --> 00:13:59,603
It never occurred to me.
271
00:13:59,604 --> 00:14:02,974
Kind of takes the fun
out of the whole thing.
272
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:04,875
Well, I'm not spending
any of my money.
273
00:14:04,876 --> 00:14:06,577
I've got expenses.
274
00:14:06,578 --> 00:14:09,947
What, a new shipment of your
favorite perfume come in, kel?
275
00:14:09,948 --> 00:14:12,716
You know, eau de shore leave?
276
00:14:13,251 --> 00:14:15,620
Go swim in your sheets.
277
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:20,091
Now, kids, we said all this
at thanksgiving.
278
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,494
What we've got to do
is get daddy some presents.
279
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:25,329
And as my mom always said,
280
00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:29,567
"the best presents
are in dad's closet."
281
00:14:29,568 --> 00:14:31,168
Well, I'm gonna give daddy
282
00:14:31,169 --> 00:14:32,936
Something
that he's never used before:
283
00:14:32,937 --> 00:14:35,806
His toothbrush.
284
00:14:35,807 --> 00:14:38,109
And I'll get him his underwear.
285
00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:39,443
And as his wife,
286
00:14:39,444 --> 00:14:41,745
He deserves to get
something special from me.
287
00:14:41,746 --> 00:14:43,647
I know.
288
00:14:43,648 --> 00:14:46,850
I'll get him his winter coat
that buck's been sleeping on.
289
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:51,388
Oh, this is gonna be
the best christmas ever!
290
00:14:59,731 --> 00:15:01,565
There he is, kids.
291
00:15:01,566 --> 00:15:04,134
The man
who hit santa.
292
00:15:04,135 --> 00:15:05,736
Tonight, we'll all
come back
293
00:15:05,737 --> 00:15:07,405
And egg his window.
294
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,307
Yeah, santa.
Yeah, santa.
295
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:16,580
Anytime you want it, fat boy!
296
00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,151
The bank! I got to get
to marcie's bank.
297
00:15:25,423 --> 00:15:27,124
Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry.
We're closed.
298
00:15:27,125 --> 00:15:28,659
See, I got to get
to the bank by 3:00.
299
00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:31,228
We won't be
but a minute.
300
00:15:31,229 --> 00:15:33,897
Hurry up, mama!
301
00:15:48,613 --> 00:15:52,383
Fourteen ninety-five,
you say?
302
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:53,783
Yes!
303
00:15:53,784 --> 00:15:55,519
Please hurry!
304
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,022
Mama has the money.
305
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:03,960
I don't have
any money.
306
00:16:03,961 --> 00:16:05,329
Oh.
307
00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:06,997
Well, who has it?
308
00:16:10,435 --> 00:16:11,802
Mom!
309
00:16:13,638 --> 00:16:15,205
[inaudible dialogue]
310
00:16:19,377 --> 00:16:22,412
["deck the halls" playing
over speakers]
311
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,281
[inaudible dialogue]
312
00:17:50,301 --> 00:17:52,369
Santa:
There he is, guys!
313
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:53,704
No!
314
00:18:03,581 --> 00:18:06,483
Needed some help,
eh, horowitz?
315
00:18:06,484 --> 00:18:10,821
I guess you're not santa enough
to face me alone.
316
00:18:10,822 --> 00:18:13,290
Remember, I know
when you're sleeping!
317
00:18:13,291 --> 00:18:17,227
And I know
when you've had beans.
318
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:34,111
Peg, kelly and bud [in unison]:
What did you get us
for christmas, daddy?
319
00:18:34,112 --> 00:18:36,580
Al:
Well, family,
the bank was closed.
320
00:18:36,581 --> 00:18:39,182
I have no money for presents.
321
00:18:39,183 --> 00:18:41,585
You still love me, though,
right?
322
00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:47,057
[machine gun firing]
323
00:18:53,164 --> 00:18:54,898
I want toys!
324
00:18:54,899 --> 00:18:56,066
Just a minute,
honey.
325
00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:58,101
Mommy just wants to get
some shoes, okay?
326
00:18:58,102 --> 00:18:59,904
Toys, toys, toys!
327
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,438
Oh, kids. You gotta
love them.
328
00:19:01,439 --> 00:19:02,439
Toys!
329
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,708
Put a cork in it,
demon!
330
00:19:04,709 --> 00:19:06,843
God, what I wouldn't pay
331
00:19:06,844 --> 00:19:08,078
To get rid of him
for an hour
332
00:19:08,079 --> 00:19:09,646
So I could shop in peace.
333
00:19:22,127 --> 00:19:24,561
[humming
"winter wonderland"]
334
00:19:28,466 --> 00:19:29,333
Water.
335
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,935
Shut up.
336
00:19:31,936 --> 00:19:36,140
[continues humming]
337
00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:37,741
You'll never
get away with this.
338
00:19:37,742 --> 00:19:38,576
Oh, won't I?
339
00:19:38,577 --> 00:19:39,677
You be quiet,
340
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,511
Or I'll send you
to the bathroom dungeon
341
00:19:41,512 --> 00:19:43,380
Like little bobby.
342
00:19:43,381 --> 00:19:47,384
[continues humming]
343
00:19:47,385 --> 00:19:49,587
Hey, bundy, we want
some entertainment.
344
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:51,455
Okay, I'll tell you
a nice christmas story.
345
00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:52,623
Gather around uncle al.
346
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,860
All right,
that's close enough.
347
00:19:56,861 --> 00:19:59,396
All right, here we go.
348
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:01,198
'twas the night
before christmas
349
00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:03,000
And all through the house
350
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:07,905
No food was a-stirring
not even a mouse
351
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:10,974
Stockings were hung
'round dad's neck like a tie
352
00:20:10,975 --> 00:20:14,678
Along with a note
that said, "presents or die"
353
00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:19,516
Children were plotting
all night in their beds
354
00:20:19,517 --> 00:20:21,685
While the wife's
constant whining
355
00:20:21,686 --> 00:20:24,688
Was splitting his head
356
00:20:24,689 --> 00:20:27,457
But daddy had money this year
in the bank
357
00:20:27,458 --> 00:20:32,195
Then they closed up early
now dad's in the tank
358
00:20:32,196 --> 00:20:35,298
Then all of a sudden
santa appeared
359
00:20:35,299 --> 00:20:39,370
A sneer on his face
booze in his beard
360
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:42,005
"santa," I said
as he laughed merrily
361
00:20:42,006 --> 00:20:45,275
"you do so much for others
do something for me"
362
00:20:45,276 --> 00:20:46,810
"bundy," he said
363
00:20:46,811 --> 00:20:48,679
"you only sell shoes
364
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,982
Your son is a sneak thief
your daughter's a flooze"
365
00:20:54,318 --> 00:20:56,887
"ho, ho," santa said
"should I mention your wife?
366
00:20:56,888 --> 00:21:00,557
Her hair's like an a-bomb
her nails like a knife"
367
00:21:00,558 --> 00:21:05,662
And he climbs up the chimney
that fat piece of dung
368
00:21:05,663 --> 00:21:08,364
He mooned me two times
he stuck out his tongue
369
00:21:08,365 --> 00:21:14,270
And I heard him exclaim
as he broke wind with glee
370
00:21:14,271 --> 00:21:19,109
"you're married, with children
you'll never be free"
371
00:21:24,682 --> 00:21:27,417
Now, who wants to hear
about the red-headed grinch
372
00:21:27,418 --> 00:21:29,887
That stole uncle al's life?
373
00:21:29,888 --> 00:21:32,122
There he is!
374
00:21:32,123 --> 00:21:33,457
He depressed us.
375
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:35,592
Oh, you beast!
376
00:21:39,831 --> 00:21:42,399
And here's
your money back.
377
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,068
And yours.
378
00:21:45,069 --> 00:21:47,137
And yours.
379
00:21:47,138 --> 00:21:48,838
And yours.
380
00:21:48,839 --> 00:21:51,308
And yours.
Thank you.
381
00:21:51,309 --> 00:21:54,378
Okay, franklin,
say goodbye to uncle al.
382
00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:56,580
[groans]
383
00:21:56,581 --> 00:21:58,047
Good boy!
384
00:22:00,084 --> 00:22:03,353
Announcer [on loudspeaker]:
Attention, shoppers.
The mall is now closing
385
00:22:03,354 --> 00:22:04,854
So that our merchants
can get home
386
00:22:04,855 --> 00:22:06,457
And be
with their loving families.
387
00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:08,425
Thank you
for shopping with us.
388
00:22:08,426 --> 00:22:11,428
Merry christmas,
and good night.
389
00:22:29,481 --> 00:22:32,215
["it's beginning to look
a lot like christmas" playing]
390
00:22:32,216 --> 00:22:36,186
♪ it's beginning to look
a lot like christmas ♪
391
00:22:36,187 --> 00:22:39,222
♪ everywhere you go ♪
392
00:22:39,223 --> 00:22:40,924
♪ take a look
in the five-and-ten ♪
393
00:22:40,925 --> 00:22:42,692
♪ glistening once again ♪
394
00:22:42,693 --> 00:22:46,096
♪ with candy canes
and silver lanes aglow ♪
395
00:22:46,097 --> 00:22:49,366
♪ it's beginning to look
a lot like christmas ♪
396
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:52,436
♪ toys in every store ♪
397
00:22:52,437 --> 00:22:54,137
♪ but the prettiest sight
to see ♪
398
00:22:54,138 --> 00:22:55,939
♪ is the holly that will be ♪
399
00:22:55,940 --> 00:22:59,242
♪ on your own front door ♪
400
00:22:59,243 --> 00:23:01,345
♪ on your own ♪
401
00:23:01,346 --> 00:23:02,912
♪ front ♪
402
00:23:02,913 --> 00:23:04,914
♪ door ♪
403
00:23:04,915 --> 00:23:06,450
♪ merry christmas! ♪